I struggle with anxiety.
It’s an issue for me.
Not OCD, not checking the locks obsessively, or looking over my shoulder.
But the occasional panic induced asthma attack.
It doesn’t happen often.
Large crowds-HUGE trigger. I don’t like being touched by strangers. At all. Parades, Christmas crowded shopping- sets me off. I get physically upset. It will start small, occasional dirty looks, discomfort- like an itching between my shoulder blades, until I am full blown hyperventilating.
I know you are trying to push past to get your kid the newest Skylander. DON’T TOUCH ME CRIMINAL!
*Sporting events/concerts seem to be different. I am not as bad about it then- going in and out are hard for me- but once seated I do ok.
I have an issue with not having an “escape route.” People are always asking me why I drive everywhere. It’s because I like to be able to leave at any moment in time on my own terms. I hate, HATE, feeling trapped somewhere dependent on someone else to get out or get home.
Y’all I do this with my own family. I helped my sister move and my mood switched and I wanted to leave and I rode with her so I couldn’t go anywhere and I pathetically lay on the floor in a miserable heap, telling Tyla I was “TRAPPED” over and over again until she was torn between laughing hysterically and beating me with the nearest object and she made me sit in the car and took me home. (I know that was one hell of a run on sentence but that is how I felt by the end, out of breath.)
Moving-gives me anxiety.
I like my house a certain way. Everything needs to have it’s place. I like to have my room painted not baby yellow- because baby yellow is where people fight more (and babies cry more) and I hate it.
I like to have enough space that my closet doesn’t look like I have tried to shove the blob in there and make it fit. And that rooms look cozy but not crowded.
I have to put a bigger fence up at my new place because Onyx is adorable but she is also an evil genius that knows how to crawl over a 4 foot fence, and since my new place is near THREE main roads I fear for her daredevil life.
I want to have the kind of home where people walk in and relax. Where we play card games until 3 a.m. and end up singing “I Want It That Way” because when is a Backstreet Boys sing-along a bad idea? Also because it reminds me of frat house nights at 5 a.m. when it was a select few left and we would sing it.
Where people love to crash and know they will always get fed in the morning.
Where I can put Christmas decorations up in excess and not give a single damn because it’s my house and Christmas is my favorite Holiday and damnit I will have it look that way if I want to.
Anywho- I strive for all of this when I move. I have big dreams. And Big expectations.
I feel like Diane Lane in “Under the Tuscan Sun.”
And I think I get so excited about the possibilities that I freak myself out until I need a paper bag and a xanax to get through my day.
But – my kitchen is all set up. And my books are in my bookshelf. And my halloween costumes are safely in the attic.
And I feel a lot better.
A little less anxious.
And maybe even a little hopeful.
Possibly even excited.